At midnight on January 1, 2012, I felt an electrifying change in myself. Suddenly, I became a different person, content only with the simple things in life, uninterested in selfish pursuits like shopping and appearances, and desiring only to help those less fortunate and live a happier life. I also wore open-toed earthy sandals and ceremonial robes. Yes, I had become the Dalai Lama.

Yeah, right. You all know me and you know that I’m closer to Dolly Parton than the Dalai Lama (personality-wise, of course—body-wise is a totally different story). This didn’t happen, and won’t ever happen, mainly because of my loathing for open-toed earthy sandals.

Let’s be real and cut out all the magic surrounding New Year’s: nothing really changes except the date.  New Year’s 2012 was the same as every other New Year’s except with a really bad movie to go along with it. People are always professing its power of a “fresh start” and a “new beginning,” but honestly, if you need to make a change in your life, you’ve just gone an entire year without doing anything. Why start now?

This brings us to the topic of New Year’s resolutions. Do you even remember the resolution you made last year? Better question: do you even remember what you did last New Year’s Eve? I have never in my life made a new year’s resolution, because I (through an enduring loneliness and lack of weekend activities) have become well acquainted with myself and my sloth, and I know that there is no way I can maintain a goal for an entire year.

Why on earth would you want to bind yourself to a commitment at the beginning of the year for the next twelve months? You don’t need to add on extra responsibilities to your (likely) already burdened and busy life. Commitment and responsibility are not always good things (just ask Kanye West, who famously tweeted “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me, like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle”).

I’m all for making a change in yourself and your life. I myself don’t know much about that considering I’m perfection in the human form (HA), but I can at least understand the idea behind resolutions. It’s not like a resolution will matter for 2012 anyways considering that the world will end in a fiery inferno before next year’s New Year’s Eve. In fact, Nicholas Cage was just cast in the documentary version of 2012 to be shot from the rubble itself (I heard his resolution was actually to be in more movies, and maybe start reading the scripts for them).

For those of you resolved to make resolutions, I applaud you. I, however, will continue to be my usual self until the very end… 350 days from now.