Northern Virginia is, aside from the obnoxiously erratic weather, a peaceful place. Unfortunately that is about to end.  A war is coming to our homeland. The buzzing is gunshots and the bugs are bullets. Duck and cover ladies and gentlemen, the cicadas are coming in hot.

These unpredictable projectiles will be pestering us for the weeks to come, and in hopes of survival I have compiled a few helpful hints

1. Move to Hawaii (isn’t that the solution to everything?)

So in retrospect maybe I should have promised only one helpful hint because there is literally nothing you can do. These miniature demons squirm out of their burrows from down under (no, not Australia) every 17 years and all they do is fly around screech. Now that I think of it that’s  not so unlike my little sister whenever I’m asked to babysit.

After a quick browse of the Wikipedia page I have found that cicadas aren’t actually harmful to humans unless they mistake you for a tree and shove their proboscis in your arm. That isn’t my idea of fun.

Also, some cicadas can screech loud enough to cause irritability, ear drum damage, hearing loss, inability to sleep, and full blown psychotic breakdowns. As a side note earplugs are now on sale at CVS.

All in all the purpose of this article was to softly tell you we’re all undeniably and completely doomed. Have a nice day.